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Perspective
Mar. 22nd, 2004 04:55 amAd Mundo Exteriore,
Finally finished with all homework for tomorrow, excepting the niggling little matter of chemistry reading. Ready to sleep, but cannot. Do you know why? Because I have a nosebleed. Why? Because my body is exhausted. Vicious cycle, downward spiral, anyone?
Am typing this with one hand with a tissue held to my face. I can't breathe. -_-
I have no one to blame but myself, I know, but sometimes I have to wonder...why are the chemistry TFs sadistic enough to assign a fourteen-page problem set and have it due the Monday before the midterm? Why did the expos preceptors come up with the ridiculous idea of writing reader letters instead of having a peaceful editing session in class? Why is the Boston marathon the same weekend as the Shoryuhai, thus placing pressure on me to find funding for hotels already?
Most of all, why is spring break starting next week instead of today?
Today, or rather, yesterday, at Mass, we had a psychologist from Loyola University speak on the necessity of keeping perspective, especially during Lent. He was a marvelous speaker by the way, witty and quick-paced, with a simple but direct and still relevant message. His point was not really so much about religion as about mental health. We need to keep perspective in order to be at peace with ourselves. I need to be at peace with myself. I wouldn't procrastinate if I didn't desperately want to be distracted from my work, if I didn't want to have my attention focused mindlessly on something outside myself. I think of the endless to-do lists and complexities, and I want it all to simplify, but it never does. And once again, I try to avoid the situation.
When I face an opponent stronger than me in jigeiko--and trust me, they are all taller, faster and better than me--I have no means of escape. If I do nothing, I will be attacked. If I retreat, I will be attacked. Unless I have the excuse of needing to retie my men or of being seriously on the verge of getting injured, I can't back out of it. I must confront my opponent, and even as I get pushed around, even as I lose energy, even as I forget form and posture, I have no choice but to keep on going. Yes, even in those brief moments when we are neither attacking or defending, but battling for the center, waiting for an opening, I think only of the need to move forward.
What I've discovered is that in those moments, despite the dread, despite the fatigue, despite the lack of coordination, the only recourse I have is to scream my acknowledgment of this inevitability. For me, kiai, that is, spirit, is nothing more than that: acceptance and determination. Perhaps that's what it means to uncover courage. In any case, that is why I go to kendo diligently every week.
I would like to find that sort of courage in my everyday life as well. I don't like the way I've been crumpling before the prospect of my neverending schoolwork. I refuse to be weak--there's nothing wrong with being weak, but it's not who I want to be nor is it who I am, really, underneath all the weariness and laziness.
...Tari
Finally finished with all homework for tomorrow, excepting the niggling little matter of chemistry reading. Ready to sleep, but cannot. Do you know why? Because I have a nosebleed. Why? Because my body is exhausted. Vicious cycle, downward spiral, anyone?
Am typing this with one hand with a tissue held to my face. I can't breathe. -_-
I have no one to blame but myself, I know, but sometimes I have to wonder...why are the chemistry TFs sadistic enough to assign a fourteen-page problem set and have it due the Monday before the midterm? Why did the expos preceptors come up with the ridiculous idea of writing reader letters instead of having a peaceful editing session in class? Why is the Boston marathon the same weekend as the Shoryuhai, thus placing pressure on me to find funding for hotels already?
Most of all, why is spring break starting next week instead of today?
Today, or rather, yesterday, at Mass, we had a psychologist from Loyola University speak on the necessity of keeping perspective, especially during Lent. He was a marvelous speaker by the way, witty and quick-paced, with a simple but direct and still relevant message. His point was not really so much about religion as about mental health. We need to keep perspective in order to be at peace with ourselves. I need to be at peace with myself. I wouldn't procrastinate if I didn't desperately want to be distracted from my work, if I didn't want to have my attention focused mindlessly on something outside myself. I think of the endless to-do lists and complexities, and I want it all to simplify, but it never does. And once again, I try to avoid the situation.
When I face an opponent stronger than me in jigeiko--and trust me, they are all taller, faster and better than me--I have no means of escape. If I do nothing, I will be attacked. If I retreat, I will be attacked. Unless I have the excuse of needing to retie my men or of being seriously on the verge of getting injured, I can't back out of it. I must confront my opponent, and even as I get pushed around, even as I lose energy, even as I forget form and posture, I have no choice but to keep on going. Yes, even in those brief moments when we are neither attacking or defending, but battling for the center, waiting for an opening, I think only of the need to move forward.
What I've discovered is that in those moments, despite the dread, despite the fatigue, despite the lack of coordination, the only recourse I have is to scream my acknowledgment of this inevitability. For me, kiai, that is, spirit, is nothing more than that: acceptance and determination. Perhaps that's what it means to uncover courage. In any case, that is why I go to kendo diligently every week.
I would like to find that sort of courage in my everyday life as well. I don't like the way I've been crumpling before the prospect of my neverending schoolwork. I refuse to be weak--there's nothing wrong with being weak, but it's not who I want to be nor is it who I am, really, underneath all the weariness and laziness.
...Tari
