Grumpiness

[tarigwaemir]

Blair Hall Apts. on the Feast of St. Francis Carraciolo

Going back to campus tomorrow. It's been a pretty hectic ten days at home. I've met up with angelyrique, tryogeru, ldmoonflower, LP and serendip; went to karaoke three times (the last occasion being with Jae just last night ^_^); saw Jo Sumi, the Korean coloratura soprano, in concert at Carnegie Hall (on the day when half the NYC transit system had shut down due to flooding); saw X3 (with Tryo); read through more of Settembrini and Naphta's debates in The Magic Mountain as well as Diana Wynne Jones' short story anthology Unexpected Magics, which unexpectedly turned out to consist of short stories I've already read...

When I came back last summer, everyone at church commented on my acne and my general unhealthy appearance. This year, I appeared wearing my new pinstripe suit, and everyone commented that I (1) looked grown-up, (2) had gotten prettier and (3) resembled my mother because she also has short hair. Before I had time to feel flattered, the conversation naturally continued into "Do you have a boyfriend yet?" -_- I said no, I don't have time for a boyfriend, which isn't entirely true and yet not entirely false. As ladydaera says (although she was talking about clubbing not dating), it's a matter of where you put your priorities. Right now, my priorities are lab, schoolwork and kendo, and I have no room for another priority because I suck at multitasking. Technically speaking, I'm sure if I cut down my leisure time outside of those priorities (by leisure time I mean procrastinating on the Internet, reading books and downloading music), I would have time to go out and do whatever one is supposed to do with a boyfriend. But then my head will explode because I would have no leisure time. Oh, I'm sure people with more experience than I will inform me that dating is a leisure activity but it doesn't seem very leisurely to me. In any case, if I think about my usual daily schedule during the school year and contemplate the possibility of having to go outside to meet someone after an exhausting day of classes and lab, when all I really want to do is sit in my chair and not move, the resulting picture is really unpleasant.

An aunt of one of my high school classmates, who somehow has become friends with my mother, apparently had offered earlier to set me up with one of her husband's students that were planning to come study abroad here in the U.S. (her husband is a math professor at KAIST, which is the top science university in Korea). My mother had said yes, without really taking the offer seriously, so imagine her surprise when she learned that the woman had indeed badgered her husband into picking out a student who would be coming to MIT as a grad student. She visited while QCE and I were hanging out on Friday and asked me if I would like to meet him. O_O I declined politely. The situation was amusing then, but we met her at church again this morning, and she brought the issue up again. Gah. I am not old or desperate enough to need matchmaking yet! It's true I've said that I don't mind a so-called "matchmaking" marriage (where you go on "marriage blind dates" with suitably matched candidates) but I always imagined that happening far in the future, as in, around the time when I would be willing to get married (25+). I mean, that's part of the convenience of matchmaking; you look (systematically) for an appropriate marriage partner when the time is right.

What annoys me most about the whole situation is that I'm currently at a point where I'm in fact feeling actively resistant to any thought of a romantic relationship for several ridiculous reasons (aside of course from the practical ones mentioned before), and irrationally enough I want people to respect that and refrain from thrusting future marriage as an obligation upon me. The ridiculous reasons: (1) the thought of the years that it takes to form a meaningful relationship--romantic or not--with anyone daunts me, (2) because I am still dealing with a crush, I am in the peculiar state of not actually being interested in other guys, (3) to even consider dating anyone, I would have to consider the possibility of eventually marrying them, and I have commitment-phobia, and (4) the thought of being single for the rest of my life does have a kind of romantic appeal, although when I'm being sensible I realize it seems a bit pathetic.

Oh, and (5) the more people say, "You should get a boyfriend," or "Why don't you have a boyfriend yet?" to me, the more contrarian I become. The most effective strategy would be to leave me alone to stew for a year or two, and let hormones take their course.

Yours &c.

Comments

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha! This vacation was the first time that I'd gone home and not had anyone ask me if I had a boyfriend. Wait, no. I did get the question once, but to be fair, we were talking about my high school's first graduating class, which just graduated from college this year, and speculating whether anyone was engaged yet (the answer is yes, but the only engaged member of the class of '02 that I know of is bisexual, and I didn't think the people I was talking with would take the news of her upcoming civil union very well). I think the lack of questioning was because I didn't see much of my parents' Korean church friends this time around.

having to go outside to meet someone after an exhausting day of classes and lab

Theoretically, you're supposed to be so delighted to see them that the prospect of meeting them will keep you going through classes and labs, and the time spent with them will uplift your soul and remove your weariness.

I am not old or desperate enough to need matchmaking yet!

You are nearing the end of your prime childbearing years, don't you know? And 25? You'll be an old maid by then! No one will want you!

to even consider dating anyone, I would have to consider the possibility of eventually marrying them

That's surprisingly romantic.

Coincidentally enough, I've been reading Bridget Jones recently, for the first time in a few years. Being a Singleton forever has its appeals, and I don't think it's pathetic at all. It's a little worrying in the sense that it might be lonely if one outlives all of one's friends, and what happens if one dies and no one's around to notice? One's body might end up rotting on the carpet (Bridget's recurring fear is of dying and being eaten weeks later by Alsatians or wild dogs). On the other hand, there's a delicious freedom about being single; people change after they get hitched into a relationship, and it's like they're not themselves anymore but a strange hybrid, two-headed creature that one doesn't entirely know. I've only met two married couples so far that functioned equally as well as independent units as they did together. I'm a little frightened of being subsumed into a hybrid creature (okay, a lot frightened).

[troisroyaumes]

That's surprisingly romantic.

Haha, really? What I meant was that I can't seriously consider dating anyone unless I can imagine myself married to them, i.e. will I be able to live with this person at all. Usually the answer is no. -_-

Being single is romantic to me because it means I can devote myself to my work without any divided loyalties, but to tell the truth, it's really just an easy option out from the hard work of creating and maintaining a relationship in the first place. Which is the pathetic side of the situation. >_<;; But you're very right in that it's hard to give up one's independence and sense of self--I can't stand the thought of being emotionally dependent on someone else either. ::shudders::

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

I meant surprisingly romantic because most of the couples that I know who are around our age sort of fell into their relationships via drunken hookups, and it's mostly accidental and miraculous that they've lasted. Long-term planning with regard to relationships is sort of a non-concept for my non-single friends. :P

I don't think being single is an easy option out; for one thing, there's the constant social pressure to (a) provide one's parents with grandchildren; (b) provide one's siblings with nieces/nephews; (c) become part of a couple, and I feel that there's some stigma attached to being a single woman. To endure or ignore all of that requires some devotion--not as much as being married, but definitely determination about how you want to live your life.

[troisroyaumes]

Oh I see. Actually I have no idea how the couples I know hooked up since I've usually found out well after the fact and didn't make much effort to find out. But I suppose at this hormonal age, you don't tend to take the future into consideration. I guess for me, initiating a relationship--not just a romantic one, but any sort of close acquaintance--is a long and difficult process, so unless I'm prepared to invest a lot of time and effort into it, I don't want to bother. To tell the truth, I'm a bit of a coward about it too. ::sighs:: I wish I could say that my bias toward a solitary lifestyle was all due to self-sufficiency and independence, but a part of it is wanting to avoid the complications of a relationship as well.

I guess I'm lucky because my parents have told me that they're fine if I don't marry as long as I'm sure that I can live alone, and plus I don't have any siblings. Unfortunately, (c) is still a pretty important factor, and you're very right about the stigma. (I can already imagine the gossip behind my back at church when I'm over thirty--"Such a bright, dutiful girl but unable to catch a man. It must be true, what they say about smart girls having no feminine charm," etc.)

You've inspired me though. If I do stay single, I want to genuinely make that choice with that sort of determination you mentioned, not out of fear. Something I'll aspire to from now on. ^_^

[(Anonymous)]

In any case, if I think about my usual daily schedule during the school year and contemplate the possibility of having to go outside to meet someone after an exhausting day of classes and lab, when all I really want to do is sit in my chair and not move, the resulting picture is really unpleasant.

Actually, what I think would be the best boyfriend/marriage-material is someone whom you don't mind being around when you or he/she is exhausted and the end result is you both just slump in a chair or something like that. (Yes, I also wouldn't date someone that I probably wouldn't marry--though I'd maybe, a slight maybe, give it a date or two just to see. I don't know if that's romantic or not, but to me it's practical. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if we had to eventually not stay together and we knew it from the start of that relationship and yet we still went steady.) Afterall, at the end of a work day (in a probable future), when you go home to greet or wait for your spouse, neither of you will be up to going out or doing anything.

Best thing for now, just meet people to make friends. Absolutely nothing related to finding a life/love-partner. If something happens, it'll happen. If it doesn't... you didn't set out to do more than just make a new friend.

I'm lucky. No one has been asking me anything about a boyfriend. They've been more talking about my siblings and cousins having boyfriends/girlfriends or getting engaged or married. But then again, they also know that I haven't been interested and am kinda picky. As for acne, my mother despairs and my father mentions that having acne stand out at an interview isn't a good thing. :p But, whatever... :)

25 isn't the end of the world. If you want a child, probably good to do that before 40 though.

-AKung

[troisroyaumes]

Heh, yes, I agree completely. Of course, finding someone whom I don't mind being around at the end of a long, tiring day would require me to first, well, go outside to meet people after a long, tiring day. Which is the part I have an objection to. ^_^;; At the moment, I'm perfectly happy to focus on making friends (which isn't all that easy either), but it seems that the elders around me don't agree. ::sighs::

I don't think 25 is the end of the world at all. 20, however, is far too young for marriage dates, in my opinion. At least let me graduate from college first...-_-;;

[(Anonymous)]

What about weekends? :p

Well, how about suggesting to those 'elders' that a good marriage is more likely if you just get to know people first? Or... trust? Or friendship? Something along those lines... Try to get them around to your way of thinking and the like.

What about high school sweethearts? And many people now meet in college too. I can't say 20 is too young. I think 12 is probably too young for marriage dates. But, 20 is probably okay.

-AKung

[ladydaera.livejournal.com]

*nods* The above commentors are totally correct - if you really like a guy, just being with him is your leisure activity - but I also agree with you that the prospect of actively trying to find/start that kind of relationship is really daunting when you're already exhausted just thinking about your other priorities. On the other hand, your life is never going to get more relaxed if you're going for academic tenure. If anything, you'll be more busy and stressed out at 25 than you are now. 0_o Anyway, the waiting-until-you-want-to-marry plan assumes you'll be able to find an appropriate guy fairly soon after you start looking. I mean, you wouldn't marry someone until you'd dated a couple of years, and if your first few prospects didn't work out you might well overshoot the ideal child-bearing age, especially if you have problems conceiving. Which is fine if you don't want children... *blink*

Hahah, not that any of this is meant as advice. These are all thoughts that I've gone through myself in the past. My excuse for avoiding guys is that there's no point in starting a relationship when I'm going to move soon anyway. But then I realized that I was begging the fact that I actually want a boyfriend (ssh, don't tell anyone I wrote this). At least, that is the conclusion that I've come to after catching myself staring at random guys I pass for no particular reason. It's very strange. Maybe I've reached the age where I'm actually interested in looking for guys. 0_o

[troisroyaumes]

Actually, I think jaebi_lit was being sarcastic, but nonetheless, I'm sure you're right. At least you have more experience than me in the matter. But consider this: any social interaction can be stressful for me. Even hanging out with you guys, who to me are some of the most comfortable friends I've ever had, can be stressful at the end of a long day. Besides, from my limited experience, I don't think that liking a guy is leisurely at all. It's delightful and wonderful to be sure, but any extended emotional high is still a stress. I like to be in a dull cloud of contentment when I'm tired, not excited.

I don't plan on waiting until I get married exactly. What I meant was that I don't want to start looking into arranged/matchmade marriages until I'm 25 or older. In any case it's still ridiculous to do this sort of thing when I'm only 20. Basically my philosophy has been to just let things happen naturally until then...I guess the reason why my mother is worried is because "letting things happen naturally" probably means that I will do what I've always done: have mostly female friends with very few male friends and hence very few prospects of actually developing one into a romantic relationship. _-_ Still, going on matchmaking dates is...! Argh, I'm only 20 for goodness' sake. Marriage is far in the future from my perspective. I mean, it's true that I would probably only date someone who is marriageable but that's different from meeting someone expressly for the purposes of eventual marriage...does that make any sense?

I think it's only human to want to be in an intimate relationship with someone. I mean, when I started college, I certainly had the sort of feeling in the back of my mind that a boyfriend might be nice (although I don't think anyone would have believed it of me). But right now I feel that I have no mental energy left for that. It's probably ridiculous of me to think that I'll be more relaxed in grad school...but I really do entertain such (foolish?) hopes. -_-;;

[ladydaera.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see your point. No need to hurry into the business of official matchmaking. Hahah, but yeah, if you stay in your current state of stressed-out-ness in grad school, which I can totally see you doing, you will have to resort to it eventually since you'll have no energy for anything less formal. :-P

[troisroyaumes]

Yes, it's ironic, isn't it? I've insisted all along that I wouldn't mind resorting to it, but now that someone actually offers, I grow all indignant about it. Hahaha.