31 days theme exchange: "If only I'd sent you a map instead"

[tarigwaemir]

If only I'd sent you a map instead

"What are these?" Sakura asked delightedly, when Syaoran presented her with some tangerines.

"They're a sort of fruit, Princess." They used to be her favorite, he thought.

He peeled them for her and watched her eat them, slice by slice. She licked the juice from her fingers. "They're delicious, Syaoran-kun."

He smiled a little sadly. "Yes, you said that the first time too."

She looked at him with uncomprehending eyes.

"Syaoran-kun?"

"It's nothing, Princess," he murmured and handed her his handkerchief.

END

Edit: Revised with suggestions from sub_divided.

Comments

[sub-divided.livejournal.com]

Does Syaoran usually spend so much time feeling sorry for himself? ^^ The way this story is written it's like he's continually muttering about something. When Sakura asks what's wrong and he says "It's nothing," it feels like he wants her to worry about him. One of Syaoran's most central character traits is that he suffers in silence, so this story feels a little off.

I think it would be better if you wrote it so that Syaoran thinks "They used to be your favorite" but doesn't say it out loud, and if instead of having him say something half to himself (implying that half of it is for Sakura, when all it can do is hurt her) you kept it simple:

He smiled a little sadly. "Yes, you said that the first time too."

Then the ending line will be heartbreaking and noble, and not...whatever it is right now. ^^;

[troisroyaumes]

Ah, thanks so much for the suggestions! This was one of the fics that I thought were a little off, but I couldn't pin down the reason why. You're right, Syaoran does come off as self-pitying here...probably because I was trying to go for nostalgia and completely missed. ^_^;; I'll go back and do some editing.