Guilt complex

[tarigwaemir]

Haste Street on the Feast of St. Ethelbert

I made my daily call to my mother tonight to report to her that I was home for the night and got annoyed, as is my wont, when she started asking me when I got home and other various details of why I was late. I told her that I wanted to hang up quickly since I was busy with papers to read for class tomorrow, and she responded with her usual round of emotional blackmail that I hadn't been too busy to go out and enjoy myself all day on Saturday but couldn't even spare her a ten-minute phone call.

I was already feeling fed up with the situation because I got home from recruitment activities at 3 AM last night, and my mother had called my cell phone about eight times with increasingly angry voice messages. (My mother, in addition to daily phone calls, requires that I call her once I'm permanently at home for the night; it's not acceptable to simply let her know when I'll be out late. She'll stay up to wait for my phone call, which would be less of a burden if we weren't three time zones apart.) Anyway, I told her (again) that I would prefer to call less often or at least get less interrogation into details that won't mean anything to her anyway without a mountain of context, and she responded by accusing me of not caring about my parents and complained about how I never inquired after my parents' health or asked about their day. It's true, I don't bother to inquire. When you call your parents everyday, you assume that they'll automatically tell you if something important happened. Also, when calling itself has become so burdensome, all that's on my mind is to get it over with as quickly as possible without triggering my mother's anxieties. (More information doesn't help but too little information doesn't either: she'll still start worrying about something either way.) Nonetheless, it makes me feel unspeakably guilty when my mother accuses me of being unfilial. I could be a poster child for successfully brainwashing Confucian values into your children: it's a blow to my sense of self-worth if I think that I've failed to care for my parents.

But you know, I don't know if I can handle it anymore. I really do need some distance. Surely it's not unreasonable to ask to go down to one call a week? Or even every other day? Calling my mother has become an ordeal, and there are times when I feel positively sick at the sound of my cell phone ringing. Most of all, her manipulation is starting to drive me up the wall: all summer long, my mother made me feel as if I were betraying my family by choosing Berkeley for grad school...in fact, she still continues to do so even though I told her explicitly that I couldn't accept hearing that from her anymore and asked her to stop.

I feel like I'm not being offered any chances to compromise; we always erupt so quickly into anger and frustration that we usually can't talk about it rationally. When we do talk about it rationally, my mother grudgingly acknowledges she has a problem but tells me that she can't do anything about it and that I need to have more tolerance for her issues. Maybe that's true; maybe I should be more patient. I don't even know anymore; after having to switch between radically different views of reality, I don't think I can tell who's being reasonable and who isn't.

Is it awful of me to think that after having faithfully lived by my parents' rules, I deserve a little leeway? angelyrique tells me that her parents loosened up after listening to other parents, but I get the sinking feeling that my mother secretly believes that her parenting methods are better than everyone else's.

(The most ridiculous thing about this situation is that I don't even go to parties or bars or other supposed dens of iniquity. I got home late last night because I was playing board games with the recruits and other student hosts who didn't want to go drinking. Honestly.)

You know, I hope I never, ever do that to someone I love. I mean, I love my mother, and we actually have a great relationship when she's not having overprotective anxiety attacks, but I think it's fundamentally wrong to use a person's emotional weaknesses against them, no matter how angry you are. I also think it's wrong to suffocate a person with your own needs (whether it be for security or affection); ironically, it was my mother who first told me that, even though she is probably the person least capable of it.

Yours &c.

Comments

[twelve.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I'm three timezones apart with my parents too, but I think my relationship with them has become stellar since I moved off to college (it didn't even matter what college, but the fact remains that moving as far away as possible was probably one of the only ways I could salvage my relationship with them). My parents call about once a week, if that, though usually I complain I'm too busy with [insert paper here] to talk too long. The space is good, and when I start to miss my mom, I call her and we talk.

Personally, I don't know a lot about the context of your situation, but I'll tell you frankly that I think a call everyday is kinda extreme. You really don't have any space at all and you're not unreasonable to want some. If anything, there exists a difference between acknowledging you have an issue/problem with something but failing to try to change, and not knowing you have an issue/problem at all. I've always maintained that, so if I were in your position I would've been angry with the accusation that you need to have more tolerance for her issues.

Those are just my two cents, sorry it got so long-winded. ^^;; I hope the situation betters itself eventually. I'm a harsh person, so I'd probably just stop answering my phone/turn it off if it were me, but I can't tell you to do that. XD; Alas, I'm not sure I can offer any useful advice at all that won't aggravate the situation. (But that seems to be my chosen method in everything: make it worse until it has to get better.) But take care, Tari. You're an awesome daughter, I'm sure. ♥

[troisroyaumes]

Thanks Tal. I've tried turning my phone off before, and actually, I've often failed to answer because I forgot to charge it, but each time, my mother has reacted by leaving multiple voice messages (I think the most I've gotten was thirteen), then calling the land line (also multiple times), and finally, if I continue to refuse to pick up, emailing me with plaintive missives wondering why our relationship has deteriorated to such a point. -_- I don't know...I talked to my friend last night, and she told me that at this point, I'll either need to let go of feeling guilty or just resign myself to calling my mother everyday for the rest of my life.

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

Oh, parents. *hug* I feel your pain.

Do you have time for dinner or something this week? Any weekday but Thursday would be fine for me (assuming work doesn't get in the way). We could go out somewhere in Berkeley or SF or you could come over for dinner and get away for a bit and unwind. And turn your phone off, too--I feel guilty when I have mine off, but the few hours of peace, w/o the constant background feeling that it's going to ring at any moment, can be worth the angry voicemails afterward.

she'll still start worrying about something either way

Yes.

I deserve a little leeway?

Yes, you do.

The most ridiculous thing about this situation is that I don't even go to parties or bars or other supposed dens of iniquity.

It's an extra dose of unfairness, isn't it? I got along really poorly with my parents, particularly my mother, in high school, and I couldn't help but think that it was so unfair--I didn't go to parties, drink, drive, or do drugs, I hardly had any social life, but my mother still found things to criticize about what bad person I was. The problem is NOT YOU. End of story.

Surely it's not unreasonable to ask to go down to one call a week?

I think that's perfectly reasonable. Despite your feelings, you're still talking to your mother every day as per her desires, so she ought to take some of your wishes into consideration as well.

[troisroyaumes]

Sometimes I forget to charge my cell phone, and it runs out of batteries; such moments are positively liberating. -_-

I mean, to be fair, my mother has been pretty supportive for an Asian parent; she's never made me feel worthless in other ways. Mostly, she has anxiety issues over things that she can't control, and the farther away I am, the more she worries compulsively. I also don't help the situation, I suppose, since I tend to react to her nagging with irritation.

I would definitely appreciate having a chance to unwind, though I get out of lab fairly late these days...what about Friday evening? (I think the Art&Film Cine/Club is showing the Bergman film that night, so maybe we can meet up early to have dinner before going to watch the movie? I checked, by the way, and it doesn't require RSVP.)

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

Tari, you don't have to apologize for your mum and blame yourself when you are frustrated and want to vent. It runs counter to the purpose of venting. For that matter, venting doesn't make you unfilial, just human.

she's never made me feel worthless in other ways.

I know what you mean, but still, I can't help thinking that's faint praise.

Friday sounds good. When and where is Bergman?

[troisroyaumes]

I guess once you get into the habit of self-blaming, it's hard to end the cycle. -_-;;

I actually talked to my mother just after replying to your first comment. We argued for quite a while, but we finally worked out a compromise. I guess what it really took was for me to squelch my guilt for once and tell her that I couldn't continue waiting anymore for her to feel ready to let go.

According to the website, the film is scheduled to play at the Delancey Street Screening Room (500 Embarcardero), though I noticed in last week's email that the films are now being shown at the Randall Museum. Either way, I could meet you at the Embarcardero BART (that's close to where you work, right?). The film is supposed to start at 7 PM with refreshments being served from 6:30.

[troisroyaumes]

Oh, just got the email: the film's going to be at Delancey Street.

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

yay! what time do you get off?

[troisroyaumes]

I should be able to leave around 5 PM, which means I should get there around 5:45 at the latest. That should give us enough time to grab dinner, right?

[jaebi-lit.livejournal.com]

Yep, we can get something in the ferry building, which is near the bart and has a bunch of places for casual dining.

Also, I'm glad you were able to work something out with your mom!

[love_archived]

*hugs* I wish I could help, but I have no experience with this. The benefit of being a Tezuka-type is the amount of trust one's parents give one. I know you can't help your parents though.

*hugs* If you need an ear to vent and you see me around (AIM: aiwritingfic), feel free. *hugs*

[troisroyaumes]

According to my mother, she trusts me but doesn't trust the rest of the world. ::sighs:: But thanks! I'll...work my way through it somehow. -_-

[schwimmerin.livejournal.com]

Such is the plight of only children, alas! My parents are similar, as you know, but at least they've never accused me of being a bad child (which, as you point out, is utterly ridiculous in your case. Yes, you went far away for grad school, but they should be able to see that in the end you'll be happier and be more interested in your career, which will in turn reap rewards for them - you'll be able to support them while being successful and doing something you love).

I almost find it harder to get leeway by having played by the rules. Every day in high school when I came home from school I had to relate period by period what we had done that day, so I suppose I've set myself up for it.

My mother often bemoans my going to Berlin or back to Boston, and while she admits that I have to go away and live my own life, I still feel guilty and have asked multiple times if I should scrap it all to stay at home because she misses me so much. I know I don't really want to do that, and I would resent it if I did, but I almost think that's what she wants sometimes.

I think the key is little steps. When I was out late in college, my parents usually didn't stay up but let me leave a message on their cell phones. Maybe a text message would work to say "I'm back for the evening and I'm fine." And I wouldn't go down to a once-a-week call right away, but say that you find daily calls draining, and maybe try cutting down slowly (every other day or something). I had daily calls in college too (sometimes multiple times daily!), and I actually don't know if my parents are expecting me to call every day in Berlin, but I have the feeling they are...

So I can understand you on some level (female only child solidarity ftw), although there are obviously cultural factors in your relationship with your parents that don't exist in mine. Good luck *hugs*

[troisroyaumes]

Thanks Jenny, it really means a lot to hear that from you because I feel like we are, more or less, in the same boat. ;_; I think you're also a lot more patient with your mother than I am, considering you still spend considerable time relating your day to them. Often, I'm tired and hungry after coming home from lab and just don't want to talk to anyone, much less report my day to my mother. >_<

Anyway, I just had a long conversation with her, and I took your suggestion about text-messaging. She was pretty resistant at first because she didn't want to learn how to check text messages (my mother still doesn't know how to access her voice mail inbox), but we've agreed now that I'll message her in advance if I'm going to be late as well as message her as soon as I get home. We've also agreed on times when she can call me during the day, and I've promised to call as usual on weekends. I feel like a load is off my mind. Thanks for your advice; it helped a lot. ::hugs back::

[schwimmerin.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm glad you reached a fair compromise.

I am actually really patient with my parents, I think, and more tolerant of both of them than they are of each other (which is kind of why I feel I need to be at home, although I hate being stuck in the middle all the time).

I don't really mind calling every day, either, so I don't see it as an imposition for the most part. Traveling is a bit trying, though; on my way home from college I had to call when I was leaving the dorm, when I got to the airport, and when I was on the plane...you get the idea. XD

Now I will go rant about the opera in another comment ~~ (should be packing, lalalala...)

[troisroyaumes]

I didn't mind calling everyday during college, but lately if I complain or sound stressed out in the slightest, my mother latches onto it as a sign that I made a mistake in coming to Berkeley. >_> I don't know...part of the problem is that I still feel guilty about it, and my mother really doesn't seem to realize that how awful I felt while making the decision, despite many late-night heart-to-heart talks about it.

Anyway, don't feel guilty about leaving your parents either. ::hugs:: Berlin is going to be a fantastic opportunity for you, and I think you'll enjoy yourself at MIT as well. Have a safe flight to Germany, by the way!

[tokyofish.livejournal.com]

Hon, I call my mother every day or just about, and likewise, she calls her mom every day . . . but sometimes it's just: Hi, anything new? No, not really. Okay, just thought I'd call. Okay, love you. And sometimes it's an actual conversation.

But, really, your mother's being extreme and you know it. Don't try to shoulder the blame for this out of some sense of misplaced guilt. You are an adult and the last thing you should have to do is report the details of every single second of your life to your parents or have to report when you're home for the night. It wouldn't be reasonable even if you were living with them, much less THREE TIMEZONES apart.

I have a friend who never calls her parents. Period. Which I think is another sort of problem, but the last time I saw her, I talked to her and she agreed that she should probably call them at least once a week. I'm not saying you should emulate this, but she's not a bad daughter either and, frankly, you're a shining example of a filial child. Your mother's expectations are unreasonable.

It's not a bad thing that your mother is concerned about you, but really . . . there's being concerned and there's being overprotective to the point of smothering you. She has to learn to let go. I mean, what's going to happen if/when you get married? Once you get a job? Obviously, you know all this and I'm just reiterating what you already know, but if it comes down to it you might have to take extreme measures?

I mean, you ARE on the other side of the country, so short of hopping a plane and flying over, there's not much she can really do. Except guilt trip you. You have to stay strong and not let her get to you. Which, I know, is the difficult part since that's what mothers do best. *sigh*

[troisroyaumes]

One of my mother's accusations from yesterday: "You're going to be the type of daughter who forgets all about her parents once she gets married." -_- So, uh yes, in my parents' world, there is no letting go, not even after marriage. I mean, technically I do have a job at the moment--I'm getting a stipend for doing research after all--but that hasn't stopped my mother from treating me the same way as she did when I was in college.

Just had a long conversation with my mother, where after much shouting from both sides, we came to a compromise, which should satisfy both of us. I'm so relieved. Plus I think I would have longer and better conversations with my mother if I were able to talk to her less frequently. I guess what I really needed to do was, as you said, stay strong and stop giving into the guilt-tripping.

[serendip.livejournal.com]

Wow, your mom would hate me. I ignore my parents' phone calls and just call them whenever I want. I haven't seen them in literally months, mostly because I got sick and busy. Hmm, I feel weird talking about this in an lj comment, but you can always call me if you want talk about this stuff. I get the Korean parent pain and might be able to help you to strategize ways to deal with your mom accordingly XDDDDD

[troisroyaumes]

Thanks 언니. ;_; I think for now the situation is all right; I had a long conversation in which I gritted my teeth and resisted the emotional blackmail, so we've finally come to a compromise, which makes me feel much more relieved. Though I suspect I'll probably take you up on your offer of help with strategizing, since the phone calls are only the most obvious symptom of the larger issue. -_-;;

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

Your mother needs therapy. And it's completely not your fault.

Any chance you can do something different, like text? Something that can be shut off more quickly without dragging out the conversation?

[troisroyaumes]

She does need therapy, but like many Asian immigrants of her generation, she doesn't believe in therapists. >_>;;

Yes, I took that suggestion: we've now agreed that I'm to text when I'm going to be late and text as soon as I get home. Thanks for the advice! It took a while to convince my mother to learn how to use text messaging, but at least she agreed in the end.

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

I'm glad to hear that might work for you. I think without the emotional connection of hearing her voice, it might help you relax a bit - and it'll be quicker and less likely to wrap you up into whatever the Issue of the Day is.

[shoujo22.livejournal.com]

I know that we've basically just met, but I (in all honesty) don't think that you're being selfish or unreasonable. There's nothing wrong with wanting a little space.

[troisroyaumes]

Thanks, your comment made me feel a lot better.

[derlirum.livejournal.com]

I feel some of your pain. Korean moms are both blights and blessings, I think.

My mom does guilt trip me about certain things (e.g., lack of boyfriend) -- it's the Korean mom way! (at least, most Korean moms) -- but now that I'm financially free and independent, I've been able give her a taste of her own medicine. XD

Anyway, if you want to talk, feel free to call me. (I'll e-mail you my phone number.)

[troisroyaumes]

Thank you...I think I have things sorted out after confronting my mother and digging my heels in rather than giving into the guilt-tripping, but it really meant a lot to me to have your support. ;_; ::hugs::

[sub-divided.livejournal.com]

I can't even imagine. In college my parents called once a week, and half the time, my phone was off. I was really in trouble back then and probably should have talked to my mother more regularly, but you aren't in trouble, you are doing fine, and your mother shouldn't assume that your not phoning in precisely at 8pm each night means that some horrible fate has befallen you. I think you need to talk less just so that she can get used to the idea that no phone call =/= dead in an alley. And I also think that the only way that's going to happen is if you tell her that you're not going to every day anymore. But I don't know your mother, so I don't know...

Good luck!

[troisroyaumes]

You were perfectly right; I called my mother and told her that I couldn't call her everyday anymore. It took a lot of arguing, and I felt pretty terrible about it, but once she realized that I'd made up my mind, she came up with a compromise that was pretty reasonable. I think calling less will also make our conversations more enjoyable for the both of us, since I won't be irritated and unwilling to communicate. Thanks for the advice!

probably a lot of useless advice...

[issen4.livejournal.com]

Ahh, Asian mothers. I do think that calling every day is extreme, especially when your days are clearly occupied and huh, three timezones.

It might not be a good idea to ask her if you could stop with the daily phoning--when you're the one making the request, you give her the power to refuse you and she feels like she can still mother you. Simply tell her that you're going to call at the end of the week and do so. When you call, ask her for advice (a recipe, anything), so that the two of you have a topic to focus on and when that's done, end the call.

Call only on weekends so she'll get the signal that you really are too busy during the week.

Don't get stressed about the accusations of unfilialness--all parents go through a stage when they're convinced their children are the most ungrateful people on earth. And Confucian values just means they can guilt you better. Well, too bad. They'll get over it.

By the way, even if you were going to dens of iniquity--how does she propose to stop you? :-p

Re: probably a lot of useless advice...

[troisroyaumes]

No, no, not useless at all. You (and everyone else) were right: I needed to ignore the accusations about being a bad daughter and just stand my ground. I did what you said and didn't phrase it as a request. The ensuing argument made me feel pretty awful, but we did in the end come to an acceptable compromise. And I think you're right, we'll probably have better conversations this way rather than me bristling at the interrogation and wanting the call to end.

I suppose if I wanted to go to dens of iniquity, I wouldn't tell her. But then again, I also hate lying to my parents, so I probably wouldn't go, just to avoid the bother of lying. You know, I think I've finally accepted the fact that a large part of the reason why my mother hasn't let go is because I myself have hang-ups about disobeying/upsetting my parents. >_<;;

Anyway, thanks again for the advice; it helped a lot!

Re: probably a lot of useless advice...

[issen4.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. ^_^

You might feel guilty about disagreeing with your mother, etc, but don't let that stop you from doing what you need to. The thing is, now both of you are adults, and adult relationships means a certain level of give and take (and arguments!). Just something both of you have to adjust to.