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tarigwaemirStanley Hall on the Feast of St. Medericus
Spent most of today feeling irrationally furious at everyone (and at myself for being ridiculous).
I woke up this morning with a pounding headache after having gone to sleep at 1 AM--I didn't get back from lab until 11 PM last night, which is the earliest I've gotten home all week--and had to rush to make it to our GSI meeting on time before 9 AM lecture. I'm pretty sure everyone else was equally sleep-deprived, but I felt rather enraged at the world that I had to be awake when I felt so miserable.
Had a renewed bout of anger at driving school for failing to schedule my driving test, despite my having called them two weeks ago to tell them my permit had been renewed. Probably made worse by the fact that I dislike the woman who's responsible for scheduling the tests; everyone else on the staff has always been super-polite and friendly over the phone, but she has always talked down to me. I think she thinks I'm only a teenager because she keeps asking if I'm my own parent. Fantasized about throwing a fit and telling her that I was going to take my business elsewhere because of her total incompetence. Then it occurred to me that I've spent nearly $720 on driving lessons, and I don't think I can afford to take this driving test through a school anymore. Will have to email friends with cars and see if anyone is amenable, though I hate asking friends for help. But my labmate has been fairly friendly about letting me practice with her car, so perhaps she won't mind lending it a few more times.
Unfortunately, the anger translated into annoyance with my driving instructor, who was probably wondering why I suddenly developed an attitude problem. I mean, I didn't actually say anything, but I felt so irritated at having to drive that I simply stopped caring about making mistakes and made no conscious effort to fix them. Pretty much, I only actively tried not to actually kill anyone or wreck the car. The instructor complained at one point about having to work until 7 PM on a Friday, and I really, really wanted to snap, "I'd be grateful to be able to go home by 7 PM," but nobly refrained. (But I made absolutely no sympathetic response, in my usual passive-aggressive fashion. -_-)
Just before, a classmate in a neighboring lab came to ask me if I could start my qPCR reaction early so he could come back later in the evening to start his afterwards. Felt, of course, annoyed with him because I dislike feeling rushed. Didn't make any mistakes, luckily, and also didn't actually get my reactions in the machine by the time he requested, but at least I did start an hour earlier than I planned. Also, this particular classmate has taken to trying to sneak up on me quietly and startle me; he has, of course, continually failed. The story behind this is that he was using the gel imager, and I was waiting for my turn behind him without making a sound--because I thought I was being considerate in not breaking his concentration--which of course resulted in his being quite surprised when he turned around and realized I'd been there for about two or three minutes. Ever since then, he's tried to do the same to me. Unfortunately for him, despite my bad peripheral vision, I usually hear people approaching, and moreover, my usual reaction to being surprised is to be perfectly expressionless. ::rolls eyes:: Anyway, this whole one-sided competition is exactly the sort of male immaturity that exasperated me in high school, and I spent a good half-hour feeling contemptuous of his insecurity and every other male insecurity that I've had to deal with in the past. Why do males have to make everything about their fragile egos anyway? I do my best to be considerate and not hostile--and why do I have to consciously project nonthreatening vibes anyway?--but sometimes, they show their weaknesses so obviously that it's impossible to avoid stepping on them. Argh.
Also, browsing political blogs is not a good idea if you're already feeling furious at the world.
Then of course, I felt angry with myself for being so petty, for not being able to regain my sense of perspective and for wasting my energy being angry at people who are honestly not worth the effort.
Anyway, I admit I'm burned out. My P.I. told me to make sure I got some sleep this weekend, which made me feel both a little relieved and a little embarrassed. My mother always worries that I express the same bad temper I show towards her to other people, but I think I've done a good job of not being outwardly temperamental, despite my mood today. Generally, I felt happier when actually talking to people I liked (e.g. my labmates, my fellow GSIs, my P.I.). It's only when I'm left to stew by myself on how tired I am that I start thinking petty and vindictive thoughts about people who irritate me. Then my headache comes back, and I start indulging in long cycles of self-pity. Reminds me of how I usually felt during high school, actually. Wow, I must have been an angry (and intolerable) teenager, though I don't think I realized it at the time.
Okay, writing that out made me feel much, much better. I'm going to go home early (though probably not before 7 PM), eat dinner and sleep for ten hours. At some point I'll need to do laundry, but it's not going to be tonight. I think what I need is a good long stretch of reading Queen's Play with Lymond's sharp tongue to satisfy my inner rage.
Yours &c.
Post-script: Oh, and the undergraduate sitting in front of me in lecture this morning spent the entire time playing a Flash game on his laptop. I understand getting bored during lecture, but honestly, couldn't you make a token attempt at pretending to pay attention? Especially when you're sitting in front of GSIs? Granted, they probably don't realize that we're the GSI contingent yet. Am contemplating banning laptops from my discussion sections. I wonder if all my students will end up hating me.
Spent most of today feeling irrationally furious at everyone (and at myself for being ridiculous).
I woke up this morning with a pounding headache after having gone to sleep at 1 AM--I didn't get back from lab until 11 PM last night, which is the earliest I've gotten home all week--and had to rush to make it to our GSI meeting on time before 9 AM lecture. I'm pretty sure everyone else was equally sleep-deprived, but I felt rather enraged at the world that I had to be awake when I felt so miserable.
Had a renewed bout of anger at driving school for failing to schedule my driving test, despite my having called them two weeks ago to tell them my permit had been renewed. Probably made worse by the fact that I dislike the woman who's responsible for scheduling the tests; everyone else on the staff has always been super-polite and friendly over the phone, but she has always talked down to me. I think she thinks I'm only a teenager because she keeps asking if I'm my own parent. Fantasized about throwing a fit and telling her that I was going to take my business elsewhere because of her total incompetence. Then it occurred to me that I've spent nearly $720 on driving lessons, and I don't think I can afford to take this driving test through a school anymore. Will have to email friends with cars and see if anyone is amenable, though I hate asking friends for help. But my labmate has been fairly friendly about letting me practice with her car, so perhaps she won't mind lending it a few more times.
Unfortunately, the anger translated into annoyance with my driving instructor, who was probably wondering why I suddenly developed an attitude problem. I mean, I didn't actually say anything, but I felt so irritated at having to drive that I simply stopped caring about making mistakes and made no conscious effort to fix them. Pretty much, I only actively tried not to actually kill anyone or wreck the car. The instructor complained at one point about having to work until 7 PM on a Friday, and I really, really wanted to snap, "I'd be grateful to be able to go home by 7 PM," but nobly refrained. (But I made absolutely no sympathetic response, in my usual passive-aggressive fashion. -_-)
Just before, a classmate in a neighboring lab came to ask me if I could start my qPCR reaction early so he could come back later in the evening to start his afterwards. Felt, of course, annoyed with him because I dislike feeling rushed. Didn't make any mistakes, luckily, and also didn't actually get my reactions in the machine by the time he requested, but at least I did start an hour earlier than I planned. Also, this particular classmate has taken to trying to sneak up on me quietly and startle me; he has, of course, continually failed. The story behind this is that he was using the gel imager, and I was waiting for my turn behind him without making a sound--because I thought I was being considerate in not breaking his concentration--which of course resulted in his being quite surprised when he turned around and realized I'd been there for about two or three minutes. Ever since then, he's tried to do the same to me. Unfortunately for him, despite my bad peripheral vision, I usually hear people approaching, and moreover, my usual reaction to being surprised is to be perfectly expressionless. ::rolls eyes:: Anyway, this whole one-sided competition is exactly the sort of male immaturity that exasperated me in high school, and I spent a good half-hour feeling contemptuous of his insecurity and every other male insecurity that I've had to deal with in the past. Why do males have to make everything about their fragile egos anyway? I do my best to be considerate and not hostile--and why do I have to consciously project nonthreatening vibes anyway?--but sometimes, they show their weaknesses so obviously that it's impossible to avoid stepping on them. Argh.
Also, browsing political blogs is not a good idea if you're already feeling furious at the world.
Then of course, I felt angry with myself for being so petty, for not being able to regain my sense of perspective and for wasting my energy being angry at people who are honestly not worth the effort.
Anyway, I admit I'm burned out. My P.I. told me to make sure I got some sleep this weekend, which made me feel both a little relieved and a little embarrassed. My mother always worries that I express the same bad temper I show towards her to other people, but I think I've done a good job of not being outwardly temperamental, despite my mood today. Generally, I felt happier when actually talking to people I liked (e.g. my labmates, my fellow GSIs, my P.I.). It's only when I'm left to stew by myself on how tired I am that I start thinking petty and vindictive thoughts about people who irritate me. Then my headache comes back, and I start indulging in long cycles of self-pity. Reminds me of how I usually felt during high school, actually. Wow, I must have been an angry (and intolerable) teenager, though I don't think I realized it at the time.
Okay, writing that out made me feel much, much better. I'm going to go home early (though probably not before 7 PM), eat dinner and sleep for ten hours. At some point I'll need to do laundry, but it's not going to be tonight. I think what I need is a good long stretch of reading Queen's Play with Lymond's sharp tongue to satisfy my inner rage.
Yours &c.
Post-script: Oh, and the undergraduate sitting in front of me in lecture this morning spent the entire time playing a Flash game on his laptop. I understand getting bored during lecture, but honestly, couldn't you make a token attempt at pretending to pay attention? Especially when you're sitting in front of GSIs? Granted, they probably don't realize that we're the GSI contingent yet. Am contemplating banning laptops from my discussion sections. I wonder if all my students will end up hating me.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 01:47 am (UTC)Aww, I'd offer my dad's driving teaching services, but you're all the way in HappySunshineLand! ;_;
And lay off the political blogs, it's too stressing. (Says the person who's been listening to NPR while pipetting. It's soothing for repetitive work, but I'm starting to wonder if my eye pain is from rolling them too hard..>_>)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 02:12 am (UTC)"HappySunshineLand" is really getting on my nerves, especially since it's not really all that "happy" (people here can be really rude!), and I don't really see much of the sunshine.
Yeah, I should stop reading about politics, but it's kind of like a nervous habit now, especially since people around me are much more politically aware. >_> I've been doing a lot of eye-rolling too, ugh.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 03:10 am (UTC)Amen. I knew there must be a downside to California, other than energy crises and Governor Terminator. Though it still doesn't keep me from quietly humming the theme song to "The O.C." every time I think of it. The one that goes "California~, California~~~" Though that might actually just be an tv ad promo song. Meh.
Careful, you can end up spraining something, like me!
I'll be going to a renaissance fair this Sunday. Have anything in mind you'd like me to pick up? Plague rat on a stick? You don't have ear holes anymore right?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 03:20 am (UTC)I think everyone was so sure that I'd fall in love with California that I was bound to be a little disappointed with it. I've gotten over the disappointment, but little things do bug me from time to time. More when I'm upset, obviously.
Ooh, renaissance fair! I've always wanted to go to one. Are you dressing up? If so, take photographs please. Er, I don't know what things are available, but any sort of souvenir would be very cool! I don't have pierced ears, but Steve does. ^_^
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 07:17 pm (UTC)No one does sullen, non-directed anger like New Yorkers. Not even Boston, (you'd think with the less light they get, they'd be more used to it). I blame the trees. All the pollen messes with your brain. And the fall foliage, too. Though I do agree with Lewis Black, when talking about Boston winters, how one day you wake up and it's the greyest day you've ever seen and you refuse to get out of bed and go to work because it's too grey outside. Then the next day, it's even greyer. And that day is usually Valentine's Day, and you slit your wrists just to see some color!
I personally don't trust a climate that doesn't have real weather. XD
I'll be sure to take lots of pictures. I wish I could dress up but I don't have anything to wear that's remotely RenFair-like. I'll keep that in mind, though I don't think they had any Home Depots in 1535. How would he like to settle for a roughly made iron horseshoe to put in his year? XDD
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 07:33 pm (UTC)Californians are actually pretty good at sullen, non-directed anger too, which surprised me. -_- I really do feel like people are ruder here than they are in New York, which sounds like such a contradiction. People are perhaps less friendly in New York, but they're also a lot less actually confrontational. Maybe I'm just too passive-aggressive for California.
Haha, well, I'd like a horseshoe, if not necessarily to wear. Speaking of which, what do you want for your birthday?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-31 02:21 am (UTC)I'll see if I find any unattended horses. Oh, some poor guy's gonna come back and find his horse on blocks. Hah!
I dunno~ I don't really have anything in particular in mind at the moment. I'll give you a head's up if I think of anything.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 01:55 am (UTC)Shirleen and I are hanging out a lot, she's a great girl. So yay kendo madness, I guess.
Hope you feel better after a good long sleep and proper nutrition! I don't know if it's true for you, but I get really cranky when my blood sugar is low.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 02:06 am (UTC)Yeah, telling me to calm down when I'm annoyed is seriously ineffective, which you probably know already. >_>
I get cranky when I'm sleep-deprived; I get depressed when I'm hungry. Was on the verge of tears yesterday until I finally got home and had dinner. Luckily, I'm well-fed today, so I'm just absolutely irritated at the world.
ETA: Descriptor of my mood that I forgot to respond to the one positive thing in your comment--sorry, I have emotional blinders on. Yay, Shirleen! Say hi to her for me. ^_^ Hope you two are having fun bonding.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 01:07 pm (UTC)Hope you feel better soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 04:34 pm (UTC)People in my actual high-stress environment are all super-nice, but I find the bus drivers, service personnel, retail workers, local telemarketers, etc. are actually more aggressive and less friendly than in New York or Boston. I also feel like I encounter more sexism, though I can't actually pin it down to something concrete (just this general feeling of unease that I'm being treated differently because I'm female--maybe I'm just more aware of it now?). Go figure! Maybe it's a NorCal versus SoCal difference? I mean, I do like California, and I like that the mood is better here. But I think people automatically think West Coast > East Coast, and it isn't necessarily true.
Anyway, thanks, I feel a lot better after a good night's sleep. Good luck with starting classes!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 05:58 pm (UTC)And yes, I know that Californians can be bitchy and spoiled, seeing as most of the population of Colorado now comes from CA and TX, unfortunately. They don't call it "californication" for nothing. So sorry you interpreted it as WC > EC, because I didn't mean to imply that.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 06:25 pm (UTC)Yeah, I wasn't in the mood to accept criticism last night, so I misread your comment. I'm kind of regretting making this post in the first place; I should have known better than to post when I'm unable to keep my sense of perspective. I usually try to keep my blatant requests for sympathy off LJ as much as possible, but I've been on the outs with my mother lately--she's upset with me for coming home so late--so I ended up dumping on LJ because I thought writing it out would make me feel better. Which it did, but next time I'll keep it to a private space.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 02:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 03:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 05:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 04:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 05:31 am (UTC)A lot of the males I interact with object to my usage of the word men, since I use it in a very narrow context. For the rest of the insecure little pathetics, I give them the label that they deserve: little boys.
Irritates them so much.
And my coworkers are still wondering why I'm single.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 04:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 09:32 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 04:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 06:50 pm (UTC)P.S. Queen's Play! Yay! Lymond cures all ills!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 07:35 pm (UTC)I'm definitely taking tomorrow off and getting a change in scenery, so yes, hopefully I'll feel better next week. Sunday night dinner will be great! When and where should I meet you?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 09:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-30 10:15 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-08-31 06:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-09-03 06:24 pm (UTC)