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tarigwaemirAd Mundo Exteriore,
All right. I've had this idea for original SF/F pseudo-manga story for about two years, and it's morphed into a strange, strange creature. After obsessing about the writing style and underlying structure (I am such a wannabe formalist), I decided to stick with the clichés and try to develop the plot (for once) instead. So, yes, third rewrite of a beginning "chapter" which has in its substance changed completely twice. Is it worth continuing? Or should I give up and switch to an easier project (i.e. first person adolescent rambling à la Stephen Dedalus except much more immature)? Please read and be honest. Also note that I'm horrible at multiple (i.e. more than two) character dialogue. Please comment, especially you,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lush_rimbaud. I don't think this story is your type of thing, but just look at it anyway? kaydeefalls? tryogeru? Veteran writers on my friends list willing to share their pearls of wisdom?
It began as a mistake. Mallory had been prowling through the network, nosing into long lists of system files with mysterious number codes and copying any interesting executables back to her machine for further investigation. Her two roommates had been sharing the computer, though by this time they were used to Mallory's snooping and were paying little attention to the new files being tossed haphazardly into their local environment. And Kit, with her characteristic clumsiness, pointed to a strange icon next to the folder she had meant to look at instead, and said, before she had a chance to think, "Open."
The floating screens of the Ceteri interface blacked out before their eyes, and before Mallory could even voice a command, they were submerged in a virtual forest of tall pine trees, the rough sound of a strong wind whistling in their ears. Esme blinked and realized that she could see the rocky ground around her at the edges of her peripheral vision. "Whoever made this VR is very talented," she said to herself and tried to swivel her view around.
"It looks like a game," said Kit, "but where are the controls?" She pointed emphatically at the empty air and ordered, "View menu."
Nothing happened. She frowned and tried again, "Settings. Preferences. Help. No? What other commands are there? View manual! Instructions!" She sighed in exasperation.
Mallory interrupted sharply, "It's strange, but I could swear that I'm smelling resin from those trees. Is that possible or am I imagining things?"
"You're not imagining things. It's theoretically possible, isn't it? The headsets for these neural-based computers connect directly to our brain."
"But not even the latest Ceteri models have programmed olfactory interaction into their system. The electrodes in these headsets only affect sight and sound, don't they?"
"Look, you two," Kit burst in impatiently, "obviously it's possible, because it's happening right now. First we've got to figure out how we can get out."
Esme laughed, "It's not as if we're trapped, Kit. We can always unplug the computer. Besides, I think I rather like this VR. Look, there's even a spiderweb between the twigs of that tree."
Kit retorted, "Well, I don't. And right now, I can't see or feel my headset, much less know where the computer plug is. I don't think we can get out of this program unless we figure out where the controls are."
"Besides, the programming for most VR games aren't this thorough. I can't sense the outside world either," Mallory added.
They were silent for a moment.
Esme glanced up. She saw a gray-blue sky through the rakelike needles of the forest canopy. It was a sunny day. And for a moment, she thought she felt heat falling against her cheeks. She shivered.
"You're right. This place isn't an ordinary VR game. How are we going to get out?"
Mallory pointed at the trees, at the ground, then up at the sky. Nothing happened. She turned around and pointed again. She said quietly, "I think a vocalized command is definitely necessary. Perhaps it's not a standard command? How do they expect any new user to navigate this game? Or is the program still under development? Perhaps they didn't expect beginners to be using this version."
"Then it's impossible to guess the commands. It wouldn't be intuitive, would it?"
Esme asked, darkly, "What if we can't get out?"
Kit replied, "Don't be ridiculous, Esme. I'm sure the program itself will terminate after a while if there's no action. We may be trapped, but it's not as if we're doomed to remain here for the rest of our lives—"
A strange voice asked, "Doom? Who calls me?"
A column of shimmering, iridescent light materialized in front of them, then expanded to reveal a faceless statue.
Kit sighed in relief. "Oh, finally, the program's responding. Maybe we can exit from here."
The voice spoke again, "Have you summoned me?"
Mallory countered, her tone suspicious, "Who /are/ you?"
"Doom, destiny, fortune, fate: these are my many names, my only name."
They stared at the mysterious statue, with rather bewildered expressions.
Kit looked at her friends. "What do you think?"
"I don't know," Mallory muttered. "This game is creepy."
Kit turned back to the statue and snapped, "Clarify."
"I am the fate that awaits all heroes, the destiny that begins their journeying, the fortune that blesses their adventure, the doom that lies in store at the end. Who will you be, in my story? Will you be Parsifal, rash and young, beginning his first quest? Lancelot, the knight invincible? Arthur, the king who returns?"
"Oh, is it character selection? We don't want any of that. We just want to get out of here."
"You must play."
"But I don't /want/ to be a hero."
The voice asked, "Then who do you want to be?"
They all jumped and looked nervously at one another. Esme whispered, "Go on, Kit, answer it."
"Uh—"
"What do you want to be, if not the heroes of your own romances?"
Kit glared at the statue and sputtered, "Why should I want to be a hero? I want to /control/ heroes, to be the puppetmaster, not the puppet."
"After all, why should we settle for acting out your old stories," asked Esme, "when we can write new ones?"
"You can't make us play," Mallory finished, her tone dismissive. "Get us out of this game."
"Is that your final decision?"
"We don't want to play out our doom or destiny. We want to decide it ourselves," Kit replied, gesturing dramatically.
"So be it. You choose to wield my power in this world. I hope you have chosen wisely."
"What?"
"I am /Unmei/ and you are my avatars. You shall be the puppetmasters of this game."
They looked at the statue, unable to speak.
Esme whispered, "But...but you aren't /real/."
"Here, I am everything that is real."
"I don't like the sound of that," Mallory muttered, and she snapped, "Tell us how to close this program."
"The command is 'Cease'. But even if you leave now, you will return when it is necessary."
"We can always delete the program—"
"I am in the network. I will find you."
Kit shouted, "Enough! Cease!"
The sunlit forest faded into darkness.
----------------------------------------------------------------
They could suddenly feel the weight of the headsets on their skulls. Kit took off hers first, her red-brown curls damp and rumpled against her cheeks. Esme and Mallory slumped back in their chairs, somewhat dazed, as they slowly removed their headsets. They glanced around their room, somewhat reassured by the familiar blue wallpapered walls and carpeted floor. The sky outside was gray-white with clouds, and faint drops of rain dotted the windowpanes. Mallory stood up wearily and pulled the curtains closed.
"That was...very strange."
Kit nodded nervously. "I don't think I ever want to touch that computer again."
"It wasn't /real/, was it?"
They turned to look at Esme who was staring at the black headset in her hands. The cables swarming from its smooth plastic coating made it resemble an ink-coated octopus, some deep-sea monster sitting incongruously still in her lap. She thrust it quickly on the round desk, around which they had been sitting.
"Esme—"
She repeated, her voice shaking, "Was it?"
Mallory leaned against the window, staring through the thin white fabric of the curtains at the raindrops streaking down the glass. "No."
"Are you sure?"
The other girl sighed and glanced back at the round hub sitting on the table. Its cables were still connected to their headsets. "With a Ceteri computer? Of course not."
Kit sat up in her seat and said, with a note of determination in her voice, "I'm going to go ask the Mathematics Master tomorrow. He worked on the original project with James Li-Hwe Jung. Maybe he can explain if—"
"And tell him that I was snooping through files that I'm not supposed to have access to? You can't!"
"It's your fault anyway, Mallory. We never would have been so frightened out of our wits if you weren't nosing around where you weren't supposed to be."
"Oh? If I remember correctly, /you/ were the one who opened the file."
Esme interrupted, "Don't fight, you two. Let Kit talk to the teacher, Mallory. She doesn't need to mention you directly. Besides, the teachers already know that you're one of the best hackers in our year—"
"Am not! Frederic is a /real/ hacker. /I/ merely spy."
"Technicalities aside, they know all about it anyway. They monitor our computer activity, remember? So it's a moot point."
Mallory sighed. "Fine."
Kit smiled uneasily. "It can't really activate without our command, can it?"
They all looked again at the computer.
"I'm sure the Mathematics Master will have an answer."
"Yes."
"Yes."
They hurriedly left the room, and Kit pulled the door shut with a small sigh of relief. "We're being a little silly, aren't we?"
Mallory smiled somewhat sheepishly. "I will say that I was absolutely terrified while we were still in the game. But...it /is/ just a computer program. The VR environment just overwhelmed us, I suppose."
"Nevertheless—"
"Hm?"
"—we still don't have an answer to my question."
They stared at Esme in puzzlement. "Which question?"
"We still don't know...was it real?"
May or may not be continued...
Notes: On second reading, I wonder if I sound too technical. Actually, I have very little experience with computer games, which is why I was so anxious to get the environment right. Also, there is a prologue to this story that explains the background, so if you want to see it, I can always post that up. It's also more stilted and unrealistic than I had originally thought. Oh dear...By the way, Kit is the main character, and she was originally called something very different (an Asian name, before I realized I don't know what's an authentic Asian name at all). She's also supposed to be based on one of my close RL friends, but changing her name to Kit has morphed her into someone utterly unrecognizeable. Esme wasn't supposed to be so weak either—she was supposed to be the mature one, based on the personality of another friend—but she just grew more timid when I changed her name as well. Now she's a complete stranger too. The only one who's somewhat familiar is Mallory, who before was supposed to be a self-insert, but now has changed into this really weird character bearing the same name from a story I started in fifth grade and never finished. Mallory isn't like me, though I suppose there are still some similarities. Thus, I'm in a complete swamp, and while on the one hand I'm kind of interested to see where this will lead, I'm also worried that it's already too implausible to work out in the end. What do you think? Fixable or not?
I was reading over my first fanfic, written over two years ago. Wow, it's bad. I don't know if what I'm writing now is any better, but at least it's not making me wince as my first fanfic does. Ouch. My short story from that time was much better. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Why didn't you tell me, Lyd-chan, Tryo-chan, how awful it was?
...Tari
All right. I've had this idea for original SF/F pseudo-manga story for about two years, and it's morphed into a strange, strange creature. After obsessing about the writing style and underlying structure (I am such a wannabe formalist), I decided to stick with the clichés and try to develop the plot (for once) instead. So, yes, third rewrite of a beginning "chapter" which has in its substance changed completely twice. Is it worth continuing? Or should I give up and switch to an easier project (i.e. first person adolescent rambling à la Stephen Dedalus except much more immature)? Please read and be honest. Also note that I'm horrible at multiple (i.e. more than two) character dialogue. Please comment, especially you,
lush_rimbaud. I don't think this story is your type of thing, but just look at it anyway? kaydeefalls? tryogeru? Veteran writers on my friends list willing to share their pearls of wisdom?It began as a mistake. Mallory had been prowling through the network, nosing into long lists of system files with mysterious number codes and copying any interesting executables back to her machine for further investigation. Her two roommates had been sharing the computer, though by this time they were used to Mallory's snooping and were paying little attention to the new files being tossed haphazardly into their local environment. And Kit, with her characteristic clumsiness, pointed to a strange icon next to the folder she had meant to look at instead, and said, before she had a chance to think, "Open."
The floating screens of the Ceteri interface blacked out before their eyes, and before Mallory could even voice a command, they were submerged in a virtual forest of tall pine trees, the rough sound of a strong wind whistling in their ears. Esme blinked and realized that she could see the rocky ground around her at the edges of her peripheral vision. "Whoever made this VR is very talented," she said to herself and tried to swivel her view around.
"It looks like a game," said Kit, "but where are the controls?" She pointed emphatically at the empty air and ordered, "View menu."
Nothing happened. She frowned and tried again, "Settings. Preferences. Help. No? What other commands are there? View manual! Instructions!" She sighed in exasperation.
Mallory interrupted sharply, "It's strange, but I could swear that I'm smelling resin from those trees. Is that possible or am I imagining things?"
"You're not imagining things. It's theoretically possible, isn't it? The headsets for these neural-based computers connect directly to our brain."
"But not even the latest Ceteri models have programmed olfactory interaction into their system. The electrodes in these headsets only affect sight and sound, don't they?"
"Look, you two," Kit burst in impatiently, "obviously it's possible, because it's happening right now. First we've got to figure out how we can get out."
Esme laughed, "It's not as if we're trapped, Kit. We can always unplug the computer. Besides, I think I rather like this VR. Look, there's even a spiderweb between the twigs of that tree."
Kit retorted, "Well, I don't. And right now, I can't see or feel my headset, much less know where the computer plug is. I don't think we can get out of this program unless we figure out where the controls are."
"Besides, the programming for most VR games aren't this thorough. I can't sense the outside world either," Mallory added.
They were silent for a moment.
Esme glanced up. She saw a gray-blue sky through the rakelike needles of the forest canopy. It was a sunny day. And for a moment, she thought she felt heat falling against her cheeks. She shivered.
"You're right. This place isn't an ordinary VR game. How are we going to get out?"
Mallory pointed at the trees, at the ground, then up at the sky. Nothing happened. She turned around and pointed again. She said quietly, "I think a vocalized command is definitely necessary. Perhaps it's not a standard command? How do they expect any new user to navigate this game? Or is the program still under development? Perhaps they didn't expect beginners to be using this version."
"Then it's impossible to guess the commands. It wouldn't be intuitive, would it?"
Esme asked, darkly, "What if we can't get out?"
Kit replied, "Don't be ridiculous, Esme. I'm sure the program itself will terminate after a while if there's no action. We may be trapped, but it's not as if we're doomed to remain here for the rest of our lives—"
A strange voice asked, "Doom? Who calls me?"
A column of shimmering, iridescent light materialized in front of them, then expanded to reveal a faceless statue.
Kit sighed in relief. "Oh, finally, the program's responding. Maybe we can exit from here."
The voice spoke again, "Have you summoned me?"
Mallory countered, her tone suspicious, "Who /are/ you?"
"Doom, destiny, fortune, fate: these are my many names, my only name."
They stared at the mysterious statue, with rather bewildered expressions.
Kit looked at her friends. "What do you think?"
"I don't know," Mallory muttered. "This game is creepy."
Kit turned back to the statue and snapped, "Clarify."
"I am the fate that awaits all heroes, the destiny that begins their journeying, the fortune that blesses their adventure, the doom that lies in store at the end. Who will you be, in my story? Will you be Parsifal, rash and young, beginning his first quest? Lancelot, the knight invincible? Arthur, the king who returns?"
"Oh, is it character selection? We don't want any of that. We just want to get out of here."
"You must play."
"But I don't /want/ to be a hero."
The voice asked, "Then who do you want to be?"
They all jumped and looked nervously at one another. Esme whispered, "Go on, Kit, answer it."
"Uh—"
"What do you want to be, if not the heroes of your own romances?"
Kit glared at the statue and sputtered, "Why should I want to be a hero? I want to /control/ heroes, to be the puppetmaster, not the puppet."
"After all, why should we settle for acting out your old stories," asked Esme, "when we can write new ones?"
"You can't make us play," Mallory finished, her tone dismissive. "Get us out of this game."
"Is that your final decision?"
"We don't want to play out our doom or destiny. We want to decide it ourselves," Kit replied, gesturing dramatically.
"So be it. You choose to wield my power in this world. I hope you have chosen wisely."
"What?"
"I am /Unmei/ and you are my avatars. You shall be the puppetmasters of this game."
They looked at the statue, unable to speak.
Esme whispered, "But...but you aren't /real/."
"Here, I am everything that is real."
"I don't like the sound of that," Mallory muttered, and she snapped, "Tell us how to close this program."
"The command is 'Cease'. But even if you leave now, you will return when it is necessary."
"We can always delete the program—"
"I am in the network. I will find you."
Kit shouted, "Enough! Cease!"
The sunlit forest faded into darkness.
----------------------------------------------------------------
They could suddenly feel the weight of the headsets on their skulls. Kit took off hers first, her red-brown curls damp and rumpled against her cheeks. Esme and Mallory slumped back in their chairs, somewhat dazed, as they slowly removed their headsets. They glanced around their room, somewhat reassured by the familiar blue wallpapered walls and carpeted floor. The sky outside was gray-white with clouds, and faint drops of rain dotted the windowpanes. Mallory stood up wearily and pulled the curtains closed.
"That was...very strange."
Kit nodded nervously. "I don't think I ever want to touch that computer again."
"It wasn't /real/, was it?"
They turned to look at Esme who was staring at the black headset in her hands. The cables swarming from its smooth plastic coating made it resemble an ink-coated octopus, some deep-sea monster sitting incongruously still in her lap. She thrust it quickly on the round desk, around which they had been sitting.
"Esme—"
She repeated, her voice shaking, "Was it?"
Mallory leaned against the window, staring through the thin white fabric of the curtains at the raindrops streaking down the glass. "No."
"Are you sure?"
The other girl sighed and glanced back at the round hub sitting on the table. Its cables were still connected to their headsets. "With a Ceteri computer? Of course not."
Kit sat up in her seat and said, with a note of determination in her voice, "I'm going to go ask the Mathematics Master tomorrow. He worked on the original project with James Li-Hwe Jung. Maybe he can explain if—"
"And tell him that I was snooping through files that I'm not supposed to have access to? You can't!"
"It's your fault anyway, Mallory. We never would have been so frightened out of our wits if you weren't nosing around where you weren't supposed to be."
"Oh? If I remember correctly, /you/ were the one who opened the file."
Esme interrupted, "Don't fight, you two. Let Kit talk to the teacher, Mallory. She doesn't need to mention you directly. Besides, the teachers already know that you're one of the best hackers in our year—"
"Am not! Frederic is a /real/ hacker. /I/ merely spy."
"Technicalities aside, they know all about it anyway. They monitor our computer activity, remember? So it's a moot point."
Mallory sighed. "Fine."
Kit smiled uneasily. "It can't really activate without our command, can it?"
They all looked again at the computer.
"I'm sure the Mathematics Master will have an answer."
"Yes."
"Yes."
They hurriedly left the room, and Kit pulled the door shut with a small sigh of relief. "We're being a little silly, aren't we?"
Mallory smiled somewhat sheepishly. "I will say that I was absolutely terrified while we were still in the game. But...it /is/ just a computer program. The VR environment just overwhelmed us, I suppose."
"Nevertheless—"
"Hm?"
"—we still don't have an answer to my question."
They stared at Esme in puzzlement. "Which question?"
"We still don't know...was it real?"
May or may not be continued...
Notes: On second reading, I wonder if I sound too technical. Actually, I have very little experience with computer games, which is why I was so anxious to get the environment right. Also, there is a prologue to this story that explains the background, so if you want to see it, I can always post that up. It's also more stilted and unrealistic than I had originally thought. Oh dear...By the way, Kit is the main character, and she was originally called something very different (an Asian name, before I realized I don't know what's an authentic Asian name at all). She's also supposed to be based on one of my close RL friends, but changing her name to Kit has morphed her into someone utterly unrecognizeable. Esme wasn't supposed to be so weak either—she was supposed to be the mature one, based on the personality of another friend—but she just grew more timid when I changed her name as well. Now she's a complete stranger too. The only one who's somewhat familiar is Mallory, who before was supposed to be a self-insert, but now has changed into this really weird character bearing the same name from a story I started in fifth grade and never finished. Mallory isn't like me, though I suppose there are still some similarities. Thus, I'm in a complete swamp, and while on the one hand I'm kind of interested to see where this will lead, I'm also worried that it's already too implausible to work out in the end. What do you think? Fixable or not?
I was reading over my first fanfic, written over two years ago. Wow, it's bad. I don't know if what I'm writing now is any better, but at least it's not making me wince as my first fanfic does. Ouch. My short story from that time was much better. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Why didn't you tell me, Lyd-chan, Tryo-chan, how awful it was?
...Tari
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-27 01:47 pm (UTC)I mean, there's nothing wrong with the plot itself, or you doing a similar thing, but I'd just like to remind you that going along with a popular plot will bring out (many) cliches.
Please don't think I'm trying to bring you down or anything, or that I'm disapproving of your intentions to write/draw/create something, but I just would like to kinda remind you that this road has been well tread.
Oh, and on a personal note, I know this wasn't really a beginning, and that it was just a random fragment, but just a reminder: one reason I don't read many fantasy novels anymore is that the author usually starts out introducing a boatload of characters, and it's really easy to make them 2-dimentional. I know you're really good at 3-d people, and I won't take 'i suck at multiple dialogue' as an excuse because I know you can. ah.. I don't know what else to say on here, so I'll just end this.
O.o
O,o
Re:
Date: 2003-03-28 07:10 am (UTC)As for the 2-dimensional characters, thanks for warning me. I don't think this really is a boatload of characters (there are only three, you know, as opposed to, say, Tolkien's nine) but I'm assuming that the criticism was on the characterization of the three girls. Urgh, it's hard to do original characters...
So what's your judgment? Should I abandon it altogether?
(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-28 09:45 am (UTC)...Tari
(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-30 10:47 am (UTC)No, I don't have .hack//LIMINALITY or whatever the PS2 game came with. It was my cousin's friend's, and he wanted it back...
O.o
(no subject)
Date: 2003-03-30 10:57 am (UTC)O.o
~London calling, to the zombies of death!~
Re:
Date: 2003-03-31 04:08 pm (UTC)But, um, do you think there really is a problem with my characterizations? I mean, I was apologizing for the awkwardness of the dialogue as in the constant repetition of names, "Kit says", "Mallory says", etc., but I didn't realize there were problems with the characters themselves. I've been having some trouble sticking to the same characters, so if you have any suggestions, I'd be grateful. Thanks!
Oh, and don't worry about LIMINALITY. I'll just have to wait for lazy IRC fansubbers to finish it. (Someday...in the next ten years...)
...Tari